Sorry isn’t the hardest word, goodbye is.

As I sat these evening looking through photos of last summer spent here in Texas with Adam and my family, I was flooded with happiness and I remembered all the fun things that we did together. But as I got further through my pictures, I started to remember the ending of my trip; the saying goodbye. I had to stop looking because it hurts to remember those feelings. I had the most memorable three months last year; we got engaged along with planning and cancelling a wedding. But one thing sticks in my mind; having to leave.

The first year was definitely the hardest; I didn’t know what to expect. We began a whirlwind romance and I didn’t know where we were headed. Hell we weren’t even “boyfriend and girlfriend” exclusively yet. We both knew we loved each other but agreed it was way to soon to say that. So getting on a plane a short few weeks after only meeting and falling head over heels in love was incredibly overwhelming.

At the airport it was kind of that awkward, “when do we start the goodbye?” I for one am firm on sticking to schedule so I didn’t want to miss my check in time or be late for my flight. But my heart was being torn away from what it desired so badly and it was something that I had never experienced before nor did I know how to deal with it. I cannot even begin to describe the pain of walking away from the one person that makes you the happiest person on earth; the person that makes you feel so safe and carefree. I wasn’t sure what to do once I got on the plane. I wanted to hide my sadness; or rather I wanted to be alone with my sadness. I cried the whole eight hour flight home; barely ate a thing and just waited for it to be over so that I could speak to Adam again and feel complete.

Adjusting to life back at home was hard, I was back in sixth form and working my butt off to pay for the next trip out to Texas. But Adam spending two weeks with my family over Christmas broke up the nine months that we were faced with spending apart. In this time he gave me a promise ring and I knew for sure that he was serious about us and that we would spend our lives together. But again, the time came for us to be separated once more and honestly, having to watch him walk away from me was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. It’s one thing to be the one walking away, but it’s another to be walked away from. It’s like watching the light in your life slowly go out. Returning home and every little thing reminding me of him was tough. My family helped in getting me back to normal but nothing could take away the pain of having our tie severed.

The next six months went by so painfully slowly. I counted the hundreds of days until we would be back together; and this time, a surprise for Adam. My Aunt and Uncle picked me up from the airport and I surprised him four days earlier than planned. (How I pulled it off still to this day amazes me. I got so excited about a fake day!) But then after the most incredible three months, after getting engaged, I had to leave again; this time with the plans of marrying in December. After much planning and saving, along with enough heartache to go around both our entire families, we called off the wedding. Flights were too expensive for Adam to make it to England and I wasn’t going to have him sacrifice a roof above his head for a wedding that could wait. (Perhaps I shall blog separately about this one day and explain the heartache)

For me, September 2014 to January 2015 were our hardest times apart. We were newly engaged and had both planned and cancelled a wedding by November. For many, our relationship was taking a turn for the worst; but for us, we knew that people would make that assumptions, that we “wouldn’t work out” or it “wasn’t a good idea” or “oh they’re on the rocks” But NO. Two fingers up to those people because we fought through our troubles. A few months and a couple of bumps in the road were nothing for us. We knew the bright future that we were about to be facing and we were ready to get there. I wont lie, we had our incredibly tough days, many times skyping and crying to one another how tough it was; but to be able to say that we got through and we are here, together; married, is one hell of an accomplishment. I am so proud of us.

Long distance relationships take you whole heartedly on a journey that you cannot even begin to fathom. It thrusts you onto a rollercoaster ride that will take your breath away. The bumps in the road, although it may seem as though you cannot conquer them, with the right person by your side, holding your hand, anything is possible. To say this has been one of the hardest and most rewarding experiences of my life would be an understatement. The journey is never easy, but I for one am a firm believer that if you want something, you have to work for it. And we want this; so we damn well worked our asses off to get here!

See you later alligator

Before I left Texas to come home to England on Tuesday, I was asked if I was excited to come home. My answer of course was yes, I get to see my family that I’ve missed while I’ve been away; but also, my answer was no. As of June, my life with Adam had started and we were living together, building our first home together. Now we must spend the next few weeks apart, having just recently got engaged. Torture.

Saying goodbye is never easy, so Adam and I do not say goodbye; to us, that means forever. We say “see you later”. Much better. This promises a reunion, not an end. However, even “see you later” is incredibly tough; perhaps tougher. This is because we know we will be seeing one another but we still have to wait it out another few weeks, months. You’d think we’d be good at this by now right? Nope! We’ve not even been engaged for two months and now we must wait until December to be reunited again.

When people tell you “it’ll be worth it” and “it gets easier” it’s frustrating because there is no real understanding of our relationship and the struggle that we are facing in being apart. No one will ever understand how hard it is unless you are going through it yourself. Now trust me, Adam and I have said those phrases to try to lift each others spirits many times, but we both know how hard it is. You will never understand how hard it is to walk away from the love of your life. If you tell me “you’ll see each other soon” I may turn around and slap you in the face. Yes, you’re right, we will. But you do not understand how tough and physically exhausting it is being separated from the person that you are completely utterly in love with.

On Monday I go back to work. Initially I wanted to take the next week off to adjust to the time change again and honestly to kind of mope around a little. But that will not help at all. Going back to work earlier means my mind will be occupied with something other than missing Adam; although he will absolutely always be in my thoughts and he knows that. Also, I will be earning money to book my next flight to go home to him!

It certainly feels harder this time around. Maybe because we’re engaged, maybe because we spent a longer amount of time together, who knows. But one thing for sure is that it hurts like hell. Leaving Adam will never get easier and we can only look forward to the time that we will be together forever. I’m so lucky to have a man in my life that supports me and holds me up like he does. There truly are not enough words in the English dictionary to express my love Adam. Now we must look ahead and continue to love one another so intensely like we do.

Until next time babe.